QH LISTS

Things I Learned as a Queer South Asian

by Mufseen, Furgie, and Qaisar.

Mufseen

 

1. To stop comparing myself to straight relatives

 

I didn't really grow up with good examples of what a relationship might look like for me. As a second-generation immigrant many of the first generation were in relationships formed through arranged marriages, so my siblings and I never heard of stories of how our parents met and developed a relationship in a context which is helpful in modern day. Despite that I always thought my straight siblings were so lucky to have examples of straight relationships around them all the time from parents to uncles and aunties and so on. To rub salt in the wound a big part of British-Bangladeshi culture centred around wedding celebrations, during the summer holidays we’d have a wedding to attend almost every week without fail. It was how our community came together and honoured our traditions. Then there's me, the gay son, the struggle for me was that I never knew how my sexuality could fit into any of it. South Asian cultures can be so steeped in gender roles and along with it a rigid idea of what fulfilment and happiness should look like. It takes time but through meeting more and more queer people of all genders, generations and cultures I was able to build a picture of what a romantic relationship could look like for me and it’s still forming. I remind myself often that there's no rush to be happy and “settled”. Life isn't a competition with non-queer relatives, we all run at our own pace.

 

2. To stop seeking acceptance from people who have no intention for resolve

 

Eventually I had to accept that I am and always will be the black sheep in the family and that’s okay. If you're the only queer in the family you may be able to relate to this feeling. As a queer south Asian we may be trained to crave our parents approval but when we can step past this it's only then we can start living for ourselves. When I realised Shame is practised more than Acceptance in my family that was when I made active decisions to focus my energies to people and places where I feel reciprocal acceptance and support. Be the black sheep and if for safety and financial reasons you can't, then find your pockets of joy where you can because it's more important than looking for acceptance where acceptance may not exist.

 

3. How beautiful it is to be Queer & South Asian

 

I’ve lost count how many times I would say to myself ‘I wish I wasn’t gay’ or even I wish I was white, English, Christian or something that just wasn’t the combination of cards I was dealt with. For a teenager that’s a lot of negative self-talk. Sadly, the way we speak about ourselves to ourselves at this age can remain with us for a long time and the impact of this would be realised in later life.  It was only into my late 20s did that perspective change and the negative monologuing quietened down. I now absolutely love being queer and South Asian. I wouldn’t change it. As queer south Asians we have so much potential to make an impact where it matters. It can be a harder journey of growth, maybe even treacherous, but the benefits that are reaped are limitless for ourselves and for others who relate with our experience. I wish I knew how powerful positive affirmations can be sooner.

Furgie

The number of things I’ve discovered about myself throughout this journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance feels like never ending, and that’s life, you discover new things as years go on, as you become more self-aware and discover your authentic self.

I know as I get older and I experience life more, I’ll learn and discover even more beautiful things, and some of them won’t be as great feeling as the ones I’ve mentioned, but I’ll appreciate them either way.

 
 

1. Chosen family

 

One of them being the importance of having a support system, a chosen family, those who accept you and love you as you are and not as somebody, they want you to be. I am confidently myself because I know I have their support and their love. Not only that but they push me to be even more authentic to myself and that’s something I ,as a queer South Asian, never had. I never thought I would either because people like me aren’t supposed to be out: it’s taboo so when you find your support system, your people, appreciate them, cherish them and listen to them!

 

2. Love of my faith

 

Another thing I discovered and am still discovering is the love I have for my faith, growing up and even now as an adult. I am taught that I will go to hell or Allah hates me due to my identity when, I’ve never felt that. I internalised it as a teen because I didn’t know any better. But as an adult, with the life experiences I’ve had, the things I am grateful for, the number of prayers that have been answered, no one can tell me that Allah hates me because the evidence says otherwise. It’s brought me so much closer to my faith.

 

3. I am not alone

 

The other thing I want to mention that I’ve discovered and it’s more of a recent thing that I am not alone. Growing up as a queer Muslim immigrant, I thought what I am experiencing and feeling is unique to me: that I am alone. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve networked and through the rise of social media, I’ve discovered so many other folks who have similar stories to mine. We can relate and talk about it for hours and it’s a beautiful thing, to not feel so alone in experiences.

Qaisar

 

1. God belongs to everyone

 

I’ve learned that hell was invented by men who were very sure they weren’t going there.

I’ve learned that the test is not on how to abstain from indulging abnormal urges, but to love those who demand we do, who continue to love us from a distance, in parts, at arms’ length, if only we had chosen convenience over truth. The test before us, against an unrelenting world, is to refuse the temptation to close our open hearts. 

I’ve learned that disclosure is a privilege, that to invite those I once shared years and memories with into how I live and love now is a gift, and one which not everyone deserves, or will want.

I’ve learned that communion is not restricted to ritual or temple or festival, that consecrated space lives in the wild as much as in the places we collectively pray. I’ve learned that the Qu’ran of nature, made manifest through mountain and moorland as much as mosque, speaks to me with kind of clarity that demands I run to the hills to once again taste the Divine.

 

2. I am of this land, but not owned by it

 

I’ve learned that the great work, beyond an eternal unmaking and remaking of the self, is to come to peace with the men, nations, and ideas that will let us down.

I’ve learned that in a country that loves nothing more than harming my people, that takes sadistic pleasure in material and psychic warfare on the poor, the brown, and the queer, there is no greater resistance than to refuse to be consumed by the darkness, and to instead create, laugh, and fuck. My time will no longer be colonised by anger and false helplessness.   

I’ve learned to no longer crave the attention of mediocre white men.

 

3. To come to peace with my body and my skin

 

I’ve learned that pleasure and sensuality and romanticism and sweat and rubber and the lashes of floggers and the tightening of ropes and ecstatic screams are what my body needs and what it deserves with no apology. 

I’ve learned to no longer feel dirty when I cum.

I’ve learned to love my stubbornly thin limbs, my volatile skin, my awkward smile, my nose and ears and body hair and all the other giveaway signs of Ethnic. 

I’ve learned to love my melanin.

I’ve learned to love my melanin.

I’ve learned to LOVE my melanin.

 

4. I am blessed beyond words

 

I’ve learned that the greatest blessing is a heritage of spiritual anarchy and nonconformist love, to know that the superstructures that determine how and when and why we love are optional, that the gift of queerness is the choice to love unbounded. 

I’ve learned that the meaning of life is to learn what love is. 

I’ve learned that Allah is listening, and sometimes, that’s enough.